Of Quiet Times, Family Loves, and Post Birthday Thoughts

I woke up today surprised with the silence in our house. There were only the six of us including diodee plus four house helps. A total of ten! I was thankful for the silence and couldn’t help but give a sigh of relief. Finally, some quiet time! J

Once in a while I withdraw myself from the world and go to hibernation. These are times when, I would turn my mobile phones off to deliberately ignore incoming text messages and calls. Shutting myself off from the world from time to time has always been a conscious effort from me. And yes, I do take it seriously. For me, quiet-me-times are the most important times one can spend with one’s self. I take it as times when I would simply shut the hell up, reflect, listen and feel.

For the past weeks or even months, I have been in a panic mode. Panic mode because of final exams and final requirements in school, panic mode due to the campaign season, panic mode when mom got hospitalized again, and panic mode because of the results of our local elections. Sometimes the anxiety gets too strong and even my tummy aches. Well, either that or you can just have me go to the restroom for a puking break. Panic! Panic! Panic!

But today is different, everything is calm, and peaceful, and my surroundings are quiet. Thank you, Lord for this quiet and beautiful day!

My goodness! It’s been a while since I blogged! Not that there’s nothing worth writing about, I just couldn’t find the time to do so. (WEH?! EXCUSES!)

It’s been a while since I last had breakfast with my family and I’m happy I had breakfast with them today. In fact, the last time we had dinner as a family was the night of my birthday. Our “eat together” days are usually on weekends, but again, things have been really busy the past weeks. We used to be a family of six, now we’re plus sized to nine, and I can’t wait for us to be upgraded to more. J   

I have realized the importance of family time especially since it becomes rarer and rarer nowadays. I guess, either getting old or growing up does that. When my sister moved out, I remember myself crying. SOMETIMES I missed her since I no longer had somebody to fight or argue with. Or there’s nobody to hurt my feelings and make me cry. Haha! Same thing happened when my brother, Tbram, moved to Renaissance. I missed him because nobody would randomly knock on my door anymore during late nights to give me money. Haha! He’s always been generous like that.

Those who do not know our family’s story would be amazed. We’ve been through a lot. And believe me when I say that every storm we experienced was always Ondoy like. It was excruciating. But despite of being scathed and bruised we struggled to survive it all.

People can say whatever they want to say but the fact still remains that my dad still found his way back to us. For others, their story would be a father abandoning his family to create another family or a new family of his own. For Pop, he chose to stick it out with us. And his decision will always be something, others will be envious of. Some years ago, mom was taken away from us and was diagnosed with breast cancer. These were difficult times. I actually thought I’d go crazy. But looking back, I will forever be amazed with how my parents stayed together. So I guess it’s true what they say “true love is when people manage to stay together despite the things that are meant to keep them apart”. 

Of course our family wouldn’t have survived all of those without the help of our Gongora relatives. It’s innate in all of us to be “pakialamero” and “pakialamera” with each other. At times it’s annoying but in all other instances, it has helped us a lot. It helped our family through. My aunts and cousins would make sure the household still ran well, that we had food in our fridge, that I still attended school and did well in it. They slept beside me when I was sick, they attended my school PTAs and the list will go on forever. When mom was back, she went back to her usual hobby of helping anybody and  everybody out in whatever way she can. 

I got my  trait of being "socially aware" and "socially conscious" from my parents. They used to be activists of social change back in the days. A characteristic my lolo/Amang would call “subersibo”. I have seen how my parents would always try to give back to our community. And in my own little way, I have always tried to do the same.

I celebrated my 26^th birthday through a gift giving in an orphanage. This orphanage is my “go to” place when I need to see the world in a different perspective, under a different circumstance. Oh how I love children! They remind me of life’s simplicity and for some unknown reason, I am reminded of God’s unending love and faithfulness whenever I’m with them. When I experience heartbreaks or when life gets too difficult, I’d visit my nieces and nephews and play with them all afternoon. When I go on fieldworks, I find myself making friends and playing with random kids in the afternoon. Back in college, I would secretly go to UP during my birthday or my birthday week to buy the street kids ice cream and taho. Yes naman! Level up ako this year! Haha! With all honesty, I get more from the times spent with these kids than what they get from me. These kids are the best examples of how “life can still be blessed even if things have gone wrong”. And they show me what it’s like to “ learn how to grow-up under less than perfect conditions”.

And since I have really supportive relatives, my cousin and my nieces helped me with this birthday celebration. They helped me with some of the prizes and the games. Thank God I am blessed with not only gorgeous and intelligent nieces and nephews but also with kind hearted and generous ones.

not in picture: Kirsty and the younger ones

I am also blessed to have true friends, friends that have stayed with me through the years. These are people other than my family who have witnessed my mood swings, crankiness, stubbornness and bratiness, yet have managed to love and accept me for who I am. They manage to laugh at me and laugh with me when I become my extremely annoying or sometimes my –stupidest- self. These are people who have proven that despite the fact that I don’t get to see them everyday, when I need them or even when I don’t, they’d still be there.  Cheers for more years of friendship and sisterhood!

Often times I’d find myself saying I don’t put in that much of an effort to making new friends anymore. Simply because I’m contented with real ones I have.  But since my life has ways of becoming wonderful, I still manage to bump into a few good ones and get to keep them as well.

The jackpot prize all in all is of course finding the buddhabear who gets to be my shockabsorber everyday. “Love is kind, love is patient…” thank you for keeping us together by being both! Your patience is simply amazing! :P

God! How I missed quiet times! I know for a fact that I am the least religious person one can ever know. I’m not perfect and I may not be a blessing to others all the time. In fact there are times when I doubt Him and His love for me, consequently failing me to become an instrument of his love. But quiet times help me to assess, to reflect, to come back and feel his presence. It is through quiet times that I have come to believe that no matter what happens I will always be standing on solid ground. Thank you, dear God for the twenty-six years of my life. It has indeed been onehelluva roller coaster ride! Thank you for putting fantabulous people in it. You may not always give what my heart desires but I know in my heart of hearts that I have everything I need when I have you. 

Maybe In Another Universe I Deserve You

I've been on cyber hiatus once again and I've been meaning to post a lot of thoughts but I can't seem to find the time. Anyhow, I guess this will do for now. Read Gabby Dunn's, 

What if, in another universe, I deserve you?

Hear me out. There’s this philosopher from the 1890s named William James, and he coined this theory about “the multiverse” which suggests that a hypothetical set of multiple universes comprises everything that can possibly exist simultaneously.

Multiverse

Are you following? The entirety of space, time, matter and energy is all happening at once in different timelines: It’s the idea of parallel universes. Right? So okay, let’s presume the multiverse is real.

Well then, maybe somewhere in those infinite universes is one, or several, where I deserve you.

Maybe there’s a universe out there — happening now — where we end up together and when I close my eyes at night, I’m not dreaming the way a normal person would. Instead I’m seeing flashes of our lives in the multiverse. They’re not simple dreams because I miss you, right? They’re scientific, anachronistic visions.

For instance:

In this universe, I don’t want a family, but maybe in another, I’m more of the type to settle down. Maybe there’s a universe where you hold my hand while I give birth to our daughter in a white hospital room with pink flowers and fuzzy teddy bears on the window sill. Where we take family vacations and pose for dorky pictures in our neon bathing suits on the sands of a Florida beach. Where we curl up to watch a cheesy movie at the end of a long day in our big, green, suburban house once the kids have fallen asleep.

Maybe there’s a universe where we are middle-aged and taking our child to college and bickering over where to put her dresser or what posters she should hang up. Where you kiss her on the forehead ‘goodbye’ and we drive home in contented, proud silence, your fingers grazing my knuckles, our wedding rings glistening. Where we both have gray hair and we laugh and smile and hug and drink lemonade on the porch.

Maybe there’s a universe where that’s the life I want. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.

Maybe there’s a universe where I’m the right person for you. Where I adore every nice thing you did for me without starting to resent you. A universe where you actually end up with someone who appreciates you. Where no one becomes a doormat. Where both of us can shed our baggage and curiosity and issues. A universe where we’re happy — without wondering if that happiness is some messed-up Jenga game ready to topple at the slightest quiver. A universe where we’re comfortable and sure, and we have cats.

Maybe there’s a universe where we fall asleep next to each other every night like spoons, like two innocent bunnies — my face buried in your neck, hugging your warmth — and we both don’t want anything or anybody else. Where we don’t want more, we just want each other.

Maybe there’s a universe where I don’t covet so much all the time and where I’m content and where I don’t wonder about picking up and moving to Japan without saying anything to anyone and where at this very juncture, I can just know I’ll always want to come home and cook dinner with you.

If you think of it all this way, then it’s like neither of us did anything wrong.

You just found me in the wrong universe. That’s all. This is, as they say, the darkest timeline. Everywhere else, nay, “everywhen” else — us in the Civil War, us in Ancient Egypt, us in the swinging ’60s — we are happy.

If this theory holds, well, by the law of averages, there had to be oneuniverse — just this one — where we don’t end up together. Here and now just happens to be it. If you think of it this way, nothing is our fault.

So see, that explains everything. We’re not together anymore because of the multiverse.

Well, isn’t that comforting?

If you’re sad, do like I do and just think of the other ‘verses. The ones where I believe in love and where I don’t hate myself and where I never feel the need to kamikaze relationships. A universe where we can have nice things. It’s helpful, right?

Because you could have loved me forever. And maybe in another universe, I let you.

*Photo sources to follow :) Gotta go! :D 

Banapple BADapple

12.08.2011

When I go to Banapple I normally order Ribs, my favorite. But tonight, to say “maiba naman”, I ordered the salpicao instead. It wasn’t as delectable as the ribs and definitely not the best salpicao I’ve eaten BUT it still got the thumbs up from me.

My batchmate ordered the baked creamy cheesy penne which is one of my pasta pavoritos in the place. 

Everything was going so well until, low and behold, right before my fourth to the last bite I saw a strand of hair in my rice. L  Are you kidding me?! I was so disgusted that I called the server immediately and asked for her manager. This was very unlikely and unexpected since Banapple has been one of our staple restaurants since my undergrad days. Nothing like this has ever happened…EVER! And now everything is ruined! All it took was one strand of hair and my relationship between Banapple ended. Just like that. What a heartbreak. 

The manager asked me what they can do to make up for the accident, and I answered “nothing”. They offered to replace my meal with a new one, and I’m like, “No thanks.” They offered two free slices of cake, but I still said “No”. Pola was even joking “miss, I don’t think two slices ng cake or free meal katumbas ng health nya.”

I told the manager that I appreciate the gesture but what I really want is for her to find out and investigate on how the strand of hair got in my food and to make sure that the incident is dealt with accordingly. 

*Sigh* Why? Why did this have to happen? But there was nothing I can do. In the end, I went home with the two slices of cake, brought it home for the parentals and vowed never to return to BADapple again. *heartbreaking*

Disclaimer: I'm not discouraging anyone to visit Banapple :) it's still after all one of my fave places back when I was in college. Plus, I'm pretty sure this incident was dealt with accordingly. 

http://www.banapplekitchen.com/Banapple.html
206 and 225 Katipunan Ave. Blue Ridge, Quezon City
Tel Nos. 4392675/4382675

    

Setting the Premise (as early as now)

If you are going to fall in love with me, for justice sake, it is only fair that you know WHAT you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my complexity, indecisiveness, my out of this world kind of maturity and into the black hole child-likeness. You will fall in love with a girl who stomps her feet and pulls her hair when things do not go her way. You will fall in love with a mouth that never runs out of things to say, a mouth that mangles innocent languages and a mouth that constantly invents/innovates words that you are required to use daily. You will have to put up with a person who crosses her eyes and makes faces while you two are in the middle of a conversation. You are falling in love with the person who turns-off the car radio only for you to listen to her as she raps songs (you’ll never ever imagine “rappable”). You are falling in love with my hyperactive tear ducts, my high tendencies to overthink, over react and over analyse. You have to put up with my monthly PMS that may cause me to either want to see you every minute of everyday or not want to see you at all.  You are going to put up with my crazy thoughts and wild ideas of wanting to shave your legs, pluck your eye browse, do you a facial and put make up on you or worse, tell you to eat paper.

Photo courtesy of: Ciarky's FB :)

You will have to fall in love with my “non-negotiables”. My family whom I love more than life itself, my nieces and nephews whom I love like they are my own. My sisters who are a part of my whole being as much as I am a part of them;  (they are the people whom I love beyond the bounds of sisterhood.) My secret guy best friend who will intimidate and taunt you every now and then, my bubble (Kitel, Juju, Ciek) who I will forever claim mine and mine alone. You will fall in love with my obsession on trying to be there for loved ones most of the time and my constant need to keep things together for all of them all the time as well. My need to call family and friends different terms of endearment (girl or boy) and how I find satisfaction in giving myself to almost everyone I come close with.

You will have to fall in love with my not so perfect past that made me who I am, my life frustrations, my unwavering hopes and non-stop chasing of dreams. 

If you can bear, swallow, stomach falling in love with such, then you will also be falling in love with the way my eyes would smile whenever I’m with you or while talking about you. My ears who’d sincerely listen to all the things you have to say. My lips that will kiss away your worries and tears will be the same lips that will be at its sweetest whenever it says your name. You will fall in love with my shoulders whom you can lean on when life becomes too difficult, my hands that will hold yours as we walk around (even in circles), my arms that will embrace you both in moments of bliss and defeat, my feet that will walk a thousand steps to be with you.  You will fall in love with the hugs I randomly give, the sweet nothings I will surprise you with. You are falling in love with the witty, humour-filled (w/o a doubt and w/o effort) out of the blue antics I make.  You will fall in love with the way I blush (or turn purple-because I’m dark) when I’m given the chance to talk about you endlessly and when people ask about you.  You are falling in love with someone who will make you feel loved each moment of everyday, even when I’m mad or at least say I am. I promise to think of ways each day to make you happy so you can also fall in love with the promise that you won’t be unhappy with me. :)

Feast of the Immaculate Conception and Padre Pio Church

12.08.2011

Pola and I decided to hear mass in Padre Pio today for the Feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary. This is the church along Libis that has been my sanctuary for quite some time now.

Check out the photo below.

I like going to Padre Pio especially during alone or quiet times. After hearing mass, I usually stay at the garden or the prayer room for hours talking to Him and trying to listen to what He’s trying to tell me.  The place gives me a kind of calm I can’t explain.  Plus the fact that I rarely see people I know there, which makes it a good hibernation and thinking place. J

Basically, what the priest said in his homily was how great and loving Mama Mary was. I totally agree! In times of trouble, when He seems to be busy attending to the more important needs of others, I tell Mama Mary to whisper to Jesus and say that I need him too. How can Jesus possibly neglect His Mother’s request, right? On other occasions, I go directly to her for requests and pleas. Mama Mary has truly been an instrument of Jesus love to mankind because He did not only give himself to us but also shared His Mother as well.

After the Mass, I wrote a letter thanking Him for all the blessings and the graces he continues to shower me with. I also wrote my apologies for my wrongdoings and inadequacies and for my lack of faith at times. I know I am not perfect and most of the time I fall short of what a real Christian-Catholic should be. This is why I seldom talk about how I am as a Christian-Catholic and only talk about how He has remained faithful and loyal to me despite my shortcomings. God is indeed loving and merciful!  Pola and I also attended the healing ceremony held after the mass. I prayed for my mom’s good health, Pola’s aunt’s healing, Ysa’s emotional healing as well as Pola and mine. As for my last request, I appealed to God through Padre Pio’s intercession to grant the wishes and prayers of my family and loved ones and to grant me peace within, in preparation for Christmas.

I told Pola to bring Tita (her aunt), who currently has cancer and the rest of the family to Padre Pio so they can pray for fast healing and recovery. Yes, I believe in miracles and I believe that faith is a great body immunity booster.

After the Mass celebration, Pola and I went to Banapple to celebrate some more. After a nourishing food for the soul, a “YUMMY” food for the stomach awaits! I was excited! J

03.07.2012

03.07.2012

I apologize for the cyberspace hiatus. Although I have not posted entries since time immemorial, I’ve still been active in facebook and twitter. I also have a number of entries that have not been posted, which I will be posting now. It’s March! And March marks the beginning of the end of the first quarter of the year. J All in all everything’s good. Of course from time to time life happens, but at the end of the day we count only the blessings and the lessons learned.

<3 <3 <3 

In Memory of CORON

For quiet time tonight (which was while I was driving on my way home), I was thinking about what the priest had said during homily today. “Choose courage over fear.” And as I got off the car, I got the chance to look at the moon and night sky. I felt a familiar feeling of anxiety. FEAR. And all thoughts about today’s homily drifted away.

I remembered CORON.

I remembered how 365 days ago I said it was our make or break vacation. It almost broke us, but we survived and managed to emerge victorious. In fact, it was blissful-- the feeling of being with you and the feeling of being inside our exclusive bubble. There were just us and strangers in an unfamiliar place. Everything was wonderful since then. Or so I thought it was. Too bad we do not exist in a vacuum. And ours was a bubble popped by external challenges.

For the past months I have been rushing into life with the hopes of getting back on my feet. I have been running through busy days, cramming everything before an arbitrary cut-off date. I suppose I was successful. That is until now. I wonder why the universe has been really playful this year? A muddled up situation together with life’s complexities on top of things that were left unsaid. I wonder why things get warped and why did it have to be us with it?

And then some lingering thoughts appear in my mind. Thoughts I expect that would haunt me again tonight. Tonight, I will embrace them like they were a part of me. Come to think of it, yes, they are a part of me. Tonight I will allow the hopelessness and helplessness to linger. But I will be praying for blue skies ahead of us again tomorrow. Together or apart.

Coron. One day, I will appreciate your beauty once again. One day I will have the courage to go back. One day, I will be able to smile as I look back and remember. Maybe one day, I won’t have to try so hard to forget. 

I miss you