HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I confess...

That there were times when I would mentally delete you from family photos.

I wish you weren’t as weird and as old and as sungit as you are.

I planned to creep in from the terrace while you’re sleeping and scare the hell out of you.

I prayed for that weird boy that would come marry you and take you away.

I thought it was heavenly not having you around and that big sisters are really just..well...nothing.

I wanted to shave your eye browse while you were sleeping or burn all your clothes.

I thought it would be funny to put sand on your sinigang sa bayabas and cockroach inside your shoes. Haha!

And so on and so forth.

Today I shall cease playing God.

I confess... That during those times when...

I would mentally delete you from family photos, I would then find it incomplete and click the undo button.

I wish you weren’t as weird and as old and as sungit as you are but it’s your weirdness that actually makes me seem normal, and you being old makes me look young, and you being masungit makes people think I’m warm.

I planned to creep in from the terrace while you’re sleeping and scare the hell out of you i would then realize that  you’d beat the crap out of me after.

I prayed for that weird boy that would come marry you and take you away, I would then find myself wishing you’d take me with you.

I thought it was heavenly not having you around and that big sisters are really just...good for nothing. I ask myself who will I fight with when you’re gone? And I come to my senses and realize that it is through Ates, particularly you that I get a glimpse of adulthood and that one day I will (have to) be one too.

I wanted to shave your hair and eyebrows while you were sleeping or burn all your clothes, I’d know it’s futile  since your hair will grow back and you’d simply buy new clothes. You'd still be beautiful anyway. :)

I thought it would be funny to put sand on your sinigang sa bayabas and a cockroach inside your shoes was just because I never liked the food, and the cockroach was just to make you loosen up a little. :P

But despite all the angst and fury and all the imaginations I do, when my day comes to an end, I still find myself talking to God, asking him to keep you safe all the time. After all, I still trust that what he has given me is what he knows best and to lose you would mean losing the best. The truth is, no matter how often I deny it, I'm beyond lucky  to have you around.  And this still holds true despite instances when I just want to strangle you with a microphone chord or the tv cable’s thick wires. J  I am thankful to him for giving me an Ate like you. For one, it was because of you, (and my other older siblings) that I was able to experience what it is being a child fully. From hand me down clothes to hand me down parents’ UTOS-es. I’ve experienced it all.J And it is also because of older siblings that I am able to go back to being a child once in a while even if I am an adult now and the world expects me to act like one.

Despite all the heartbreaks, mishaps and misunderstandings I still wind up loving you unconditionally. And despite those times when we ourselves are in war with each other and I close my eyes and wish to not see you for a long-long time, I still find myself looking at you with so much awe wondering how a person can be so amazing. (Don’t push it. These are just random times, ok?) 


I guess all the wrath, hatred and fury has always been temporary. (Well either that or I’m just bipolar.J) After a while or no matter how long, even if we've never come close to understanding whatever pain we’ve caused each other, there always comes a time when it simply won’t matter anymore.Of course every now and then, Anarahath will still ring the bell on our doorstep or just come in unwanted. And I may say and act like I’ve never forgiven you from the shenanigans way back when I was ten (and you were twenty –how mature :P) or  I’d say that I’ll never ever forgive you for whatever misgiving until I’m eighty (you’ll be ninety by then), but the truth is, my heart will always find comfort with the thought that we will and always will be until forever and ever sisters.

Happy Birthday, Ate! I love you!